by Drew Thomas-Nathan
SAN DIEGO, CA — Dr. Ted Denison, a 44-year-old local dentist with patients from ages 4 to 14, announced last Friday that he would be saving the best toothbrushes for himself this Halloween.
Denison is known around playgrounds for offering the gauche utensils on an annual basis, in lieu of sweets or anything trick-or-treaters actually want.
“I have so many of those cheap ones,” Denison said. “They come in the plastic and already have something on ‘em so you don’t need toothpaste. You just brush and toss ‘em. Take as many of those as you like.”
The doctor emphasized that his mind is set. “The fancy ones, the electric ones that spin when you press the button?” He absolutely fawned over these models, saying, “Those are for me. Some of these play music, right into your teeth. It’s glorious.”
Denison claims the change was inspired by previous years’ disappointments. “I put one or two nice ones at the way deep bottom of the bowl and a few twerps ran off with ‘em! This year I’m not taking any chances.”
“I trust he has his reasons,” commented Neha Dhyasani, a fifth-grade patient of Ted Dension. “Solid, quality toothbrushes make a difference when I’m brushing away Nutter Butters, even though I shouldn’t be eating those anyway.” Dhyasani has been blessed with braces thanks to Dr. Ted for a full seventeen months.
Eighth-grade patient David Vasquez had a different take. “Ol’ Dr. Teddy’s running a scam. Best I’ve ever seen.” David’s voice cracked at least six times as he continued, “He gives us crappy toothbrushes because he knows kids with cavities equal money in his pockets. Meanwhile Dr. Diamont down the street gives us brand new Crest brushes in neon colors.”
An anonymous poll revealed that four out of five of Vasquez’s friends agreed with his statements. The lone friend who disagreed is projected to become the tenth doctor in those “Nine out of ten doctors agree!” ads.
These numbers did not faze Dr. Denison, who was quick to point out that his is still not the worst trick-or-treat house. “Kids will always put up with my toothbrushes,” said Denison. “At least I’m not giving out rapture pamphlets.”