by Keith Herrmann
MARS – A lonesome NASA rover sent to collect evidence of ancient life on Mars was falsely informed that other rovers would “totally be there” upon its arrival, sources confirmed Tuesday.
A revealing series of texts from a team of NASA scientists reveals that the rover, a car-sized Mars Science Laboratory (MSL) model, was lured to the Red Planet under the guise that “a few of the bros” would already be exploring its barren terrain.
Records confirm that upon finding itself alone on the planet’s -67 °C surface, the rover wondered whether it had gotten the wrong address and sent multiple texts to the NASA team, who ignored the message for 2 hours before telling him that the other rovers were “caught in traffic” and that the autonomous vehicle should get a head start on probing for life without them.
“At first I was like yeah, sure, whatever,” said the rover, who claims to have been ‘close’ with his fellow autonomous vehicles since they were manufactured together, “but then I checked Instagram and the other guys were in a Houston strip club getting hovered on by some SpaceX Falcon 1E rocket.”
In defense of their unorthodox methods, which watchdog organizations around the world have deemed a “total douche move,” the team of NASA scientists affirmed that the other rovers would only “prob be there,” and later amended their claim by telling the rover “we’ll let you know if they can come thru [sic]”.
At time of publication, the rover was roaming the planet’s lifeless dunes and refreshing its Twitter feed every 15 seconds.