by Sydney Sanchez
USC — College senior Heather Huckabee returned to campus this fall after spending a semester abroad in Barcelona, Spain. Her acquaintances hoped that her time abroad would make her more open-minded, but they soon realized she was now just a more informed asshole.
Over dinner, Huckabee started telling her old friends about how going abroad made her more accepting of different lifestyles, but got sidetracked complaining about how the calamari was not as good as the ones she had had in Amsterdam.
“Abroad definitely changed me. There’s just something about Europe that made me feel cultured,” Huckabee stated while gazing judgmentally at her friend’s Forever 21 jacket. “I feel bad for the people who never get to leave the US. People are so much smarter and attractive in Europe, and they actually know how to dress.”
“She’s still a piece of shit,” offered acquaintance Anika Reddy. “She now just feels the need to use her ‘changed perspective’ to justify her judgmental opinions. Yesterday she threw away my Trader Joe’s wine because she said Bordeaux’s 2011 year was so much stronger. She went to one wine tasting event. One. ”
“She randomly told me that my government needed to step up their gender inequalities and stop relying on Spain for trade. Yes, my parents are from Morocco, but I had never had a conversation with her before that,” described classmate Maye Nassry. “It was so weird.”
At press time, Huckabee was seen at a party mocking college kids and calling them sissies for not drinking as much as people in Spain.