by Christine Politte
Junior Marissa Patel stopped at her apartment between classes yesterday, hoping to grab a quick lunch. However, self-labeled “chill roommate,” Amber Dallas, blocked all attempts at cooking as she reorganized the kitchen cabinets for the third time this semester.
“I forgot it was Amber’s ‘cleaning hour,’” sighed a frustrated and hungry Patel. “I guess I was just too tired to notice, since she kept me up late last night airing out the apartment after our other roommate put mayo on her sandwich.”
While bemoaning her fellow residents’ failure to keep the dishware lined up in reverse rainbow order, Dallas maintained that they would be hard-pressed to find a more relaxed roommate.
“My roommates can do whatever they want,” opined Dallas as she shoved Patel’s food farther to ‘her side’ of the fridge. “We have a standing agreement, they can bring over people whenever they’d like. As long as it’s between noon and three pm, and not on Wednesday, since I’m hosting my Bible study group all day.”
“I decided to live with her because she said she didn’t mind someone ‘a little messy,’” roommate Patricia Norfleet whispered to avoid disturbing Dallas’s 2pm nap. “But every time I leave a dish in the sink I get spammed with group chat messages ‘just reminding everyone to clean up after themselves.’ With way too many smiley emojis.”
For her part, Dallas is largely satisfied with her living situation.
“I just wish my roommates would relax a bit,” she sighed. “They always seem so stressed out when I see them.”
At press time, Dallas’s roommates were eating chips in slow motion to avoid triggering her “sensitive hearing.”