by Eloise Rollins-Fife
LOS ANGELES– In the wake of recent allegations of sexual misconduct by high-profile men, local man Jason Greer can say with pride, multiple times a day, that his record is clean.
“You won’t find one woman out there who would accuse me of anything,” the 29-year-old Starbucks manager boasted. “And it’s not like I haven’t had any opportunity. I’m just not that kind of guy.”
Greer, who is currently single and actively looking, says his approach with women is all about “respect” and “avoiding anything that could ruin my reputation one day.”
Women acquainted with Greer have noticed the “slightly manic” degree of frequency and enthusiasm with which he brings up the topic of allegations in the news.
“Every time a new celebrity or politician is accused of sexual assault or harassment, Jason texts me an all-caps paragraph about it,” said Amelia Brooks, Greer’s friend of a friend from college. “Like, literally every time. One time he finished with ‘hashtag feminism.’”
In response, Greer stated, “I’m just doing what any friend would do. It’s a scary world out there for ladies, unless you’re with a guy like me. Then you’re totally safe; ask anyone.”
Valerie Wolfe, Greer’s ex-girlfriend, declined to comment, saying she prefers not to discuss Greer or “remember any aspect of dating that creep.”
Greer dismissed this assessment. “I totally stand with women, but Valerie’s a stupid bitch. You can’t trust anything she says,” said Greer.
As of press time, Greer had texted articles about Harvey Weinstein to 37 women and is expecting a response “any day now.”