by Chai Karve
REDONDO BEACH, CA — Lindsay Stauffer’s parents, known to many as Mr. and Mrs. Stauffer, are always supportive of their darling little girl. They believe in her ability to do anything she wants to professionally, regardless of her personal ability. Luckily, they’re loaded, so Lindsay can screw up as much and as often as she needs to.
“I came to college with clear expectations,” stated middle-class loser and friend Stephanie Lotz. “Lindsay takes a bunch of bullshit classes and switches majors like every week. But she’s rich, so it’s tight.”
Lindsay’s on-campus escapades range from the tried and true paths to mediocrity, a BA in English to the surefire path towards financial failure, a BA in Theater Arts. Her parents call regularly, assuring her that she will “figure it out.” They also added “is $2,000 a month enough for food?”
“Rules?” wondered Lindsay. “I guess I’ve never had any. I’m a free spirit financed by expensive tastes. My bottomless parents pay for my bottomless mimosas.”
Despite Lindsay’s best efforts, her parents are continuing to push her to “just, like, do whatever sparks joy” and other similar bullshit afforded to one percent-ers like her.