by Drew Thomas-Nathan
LOS ANGELES — A newly published scientific study found that the best way to get a room’s attention is still stabbing a knife into a table.
The study also tested other methods such as gavels, thunder clapping, and mindless screaming qualitatively based on how quickly other people shut up.
“It’s no contest,” said Brian Richter, who helmed the study, in a quick press conference. “Clown horns and all? They don’t work. Unearthly wails maybe, but it wrecks your throat.” The man’s hoarse, gravelly voice then took a pause before explaining, “But knives… knives get results.”
Richter provided an impromptu demonstration by jamming a knife into a tabletop to cut off another, more belligerent journalist. From that moment on, the press corps understood the power of this technique. The knife wielder stabs the wood literally along with the ears, eyes, and hearts of all present metaphorically.
“I see it having applications everywhere! Chatty first date? Knife in table! Obnoxious children? Knife in table! Family Thanksgiving? Knife in turkey, then in table!” Richter pantomimed the phrase with vigor.
“You do it right, dissent hits a brick wall,” exulted a local businessman named Patrick Baitman who has already applied lessons from the study. “My workforce tried to unionize the other day. I interrupted the negotiations with my father’s machete and, long story short, their union is the one giving me benefits!”
When asked what to do if someone else stabbed their own knife in a table, Baitman momentarily froze. A certain glimmer swept across his gaze as he chuckled, “You think I only carry one knife?”