by Kim Rogers
After hours of toiling over the stove and resetting the oven timer, local martyr Delilah Owens was shocked when her brother Franklin Schauer and his family arrived at her home this Thursday, practically empty handed. The whole Schauer branch of the family rolled up to Thanksgiving dinner with just one sweet potato casserole between them.
“To call it a casserole is really a stretch. It was in a nine by nine inch dish,” explained Owens, under her breath. “Would it have killed them to toss in a bottle of merlot?”
Witnesses say there were seven Schauers in attendance, including Franklin Schauer and his wife, their two teenaged sons, and their adult daughter, with her husband and newborn baby.
“If you think those boys aren’t coming back for a second or third helping of everything, you’ve got another thing coming,” said Owens, eyes darting between her guests and the meager spread.
When asked if they had anything else waiting in the car, the Schauers were defensive.
“We packed up and left pretty early this morning,” explained Franklin Schauer, avoiding eye contact. “Plus, Delilah’s such a good cook. We can’t compete.”
The comment was followed by a loud “hmph” from the kitchen and a clattering of pots and pans.
At press time, the Schauers were missing hints to help clear the table.