by Matt Hanisch
USC Campus – On Thursday night, a group of students gathered to use other-worldly means to contact the now-deceased Ground Zero Coffee Shop and Café 84 Student Dining Hall. The students say they wanted to contact these dining establishments because they miss the milkshakes from Ground Zero and the crepes from Café 84 so dearly.
“How am I supposed to make it through finals without a S’Mores Galore and a night of smooth jazz?” asked junior Arthur Andraid. “I was only one stamp away from a free milkshake, too!”
“The crepes at the new Village dining hall just don’t fill the void,” explained séance officiant Maureen Hanson. “I had to resort to drastic measures.”
Hanson explains that she gathered students in the middle of campus to light 84 candles around a crudely-drawn “GZ” Ground Zero logo made of melted marshmallows and graham-cracker crumbs.
Unfortunately, the séance did not go as well as the students hoped. It turned out that even in the afterlife, the lines for crepes and milkshakes were unbearably long, and the students were unable to keep the connection to the spirit realm open long enough to reach the front.
The students were also prematurely asked to leave their spot by spirit President Nikias because they were “trespassing on the construction site of a new Starbucks.”