Sad Pumpkin on Doorstep Wishes Someone Would Just Put It Out Of Its Misery

by Sara Linden

CARDINAL GARDENS — This year for Halloween, the residents of apartment 10 carved a pumpkin for their doorstep with no idea of what the ramifications would be. Now, just two weeks later, this flat and gross pumpkin wishes someone would just put it out of its misery.

“This isn’t the life I imagined for myself,” said the pumpkin from his stoop. “I thought I’d still be kicking well into December, but here I am, withering away like a woman over 40 in Hollywood.”

The residents of the apartment, however, feel they aren’t really entitled to make decisions on the pumpkin’s behalf. “I mean, do we really have a right to play God in this situation? I think we just need to wait it out. Let nature take its course,” said one of the girls in the apartment, Sally Susan, a sophomore environmental science major.

In the pumpkin’s will, the procedure for withdrawing life support in the case of the pumpkin’s non-responsiveness is specifically outlined, but there is nothing regarding rotting on a college kid’s porch. “If only I’d had the foresight to tell someone to put that in my will. Instead, I’ll die here alone, a slow and painful death,” the pumpkin told us.

The pumpkin is decomposing on the doorstep of apartment 10 at Cardinal Gardens. Visitation hours are between 9AM and 5PM.

UPDATE: This afternoon at 12:15 PM, the pumpkin took its own life. The funeral processions will be held on Thursday at St. Paul’s Church downtown.  

Sara Linden

After spending her youth in the jungle of Missouri, Sara came to Los Angeles to become a screenwriter. She likes Ghostbusters, ice cubes, and self sabotage, but not all at once.