by Jose Cardenas
LOS ANGELES, CA — Merek Rolfepayne the Third said he felt out of place in USC Village, despite his status as a medieval peasant from a far away land seeking to “tend the land for the good Lord.”
The humble Rolfepayne suffered through the city like all Los Angeles citizens do and encountered the University of Southern California where he found USC Village. The university entranced him, and he it as described as a “home of fine warriors called Trojans and a trader named Joe.” However, once reality set in, he said he found it “lacking in majesty.”
“I have never seen a village so small and so packed,” Rolfepayne said. “There is no room for me to farm, the city lacks a king, and the warriors who live in this village dress so garishly. This land does not even have any dragons! I just cannot live in a place that feels more like a prison than a village.”
The peasant plans to return to his old home in King’s Rockstead of Avalondale on Mythalot Island and continue his life as a servant. Some university residents say they are going to miss him and the classic sensibilities he brought to the campus.
“He once asked me if we had horse stables here, but I told him we have bike lockers instead and he seemed really bummed,” said sophomore Raina Tangier. “He then asked me if we had any feasting halls so I took him to EVK, but he didn’t have any money.”
“I would rather get eaten by a dragon than live in a village where residents travel by wheeled platforms and so-called Urb-E’s instead of horses. How outlandish those things are!” Rolfepayne exclaimed.
As payback against USC for wasting his time, Rolfepayne attempted to steal the horse Traveler for himself, but he got confused by the three-way crosswalk and got hit by a car.