by Chai Karve
LOS ANGELES, CA — After extensive study, meteorological investigation, and intense debate, the National Weather Service has formally concluded that it is “Hot As Balls.” The decision to up the heat status from “Jesus Fucking Christ” came soon after temperatures climbed to well over what felt like 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
“We don’t like alarming people,” assured chief weather officer Ravi Jenkins. “But this thigh numbing heat is more oppressive than a fascist regime. I mean, dear god.”
The sheer volume of sunburnt nose tips, sweltering groin areas, and hurricane force pit stains was enough to thwart even the most doubtful of climate scientists, many of whom insisted that “weather is a local phenom” and “has nothing to do with the climate as a whole.” Rest assured, everyone agreed on the testicular scorching levels of heat emanating from our favorite star.
Social media erupted in flames over the heat as well. Nearly 95 percent of all Snapchat stories during the week consisted of unflattering angles of individual’s faces reacting to the aggressive heat. The overwhelming presence of such was further evidence of the fact that it was not just “hot.” It was hot as balls.
At press time, residents of anywhere east of Las Vegas were heard telling Californians to quit their bitching. The heat status west of Sin City was officially deemed to be “Eh, We’ll Live.”