by Chai Karve
CEDARS SINAI HOSPITAL — In the delivery ward of a top-flight local hospital, Liz Collins held her newborn daughter Bella in her arms for the first time. Unfortunately, baby Bella was hideous in every conceivable way.
“Yes, I decided to keep it,” said Collins. “But I shouldn’t have. I mean look at this thing. Jesus.”
Doctors in the wing had a hard time congratulating the mother because they knew she would have to unconditionally love this thing. The entire hospital wing was abuzz with people gagging ever so slightly at the sight of the barnacle-looking little babe.
“Fuck, that is an ugly baby,” reported veteran nurse Lucy Jackson. “In 40 years I haven’t seen anything that cringe-worthy. I think it’s time for me to retire.”
The baby, though grotesque, was self-aware, and committed mentally to resenting authority. Bella plans on majoring in something that would ensure her mean mug will be obscured by a large, leafy book or a screen — like systems engineering or screenwriting — upon her admission to college.