by Drew Thomas-Nathan
PARKSIDE– A recent scientific study concluded that the designated quiet hour periods at the USC residence halls do nothing to silence the many voices in one poor student’s head.
“They won’t shut up, no matter how many times I politely shout!” volunteered Joey Jay, the lone subject of the study. “All my yelling does is get me in hot water for waking up everybody else!”
Jay initially believed that the strict rules clearly laid out at his first floor meeting would be enough to give his unwieldy headspace a rest. “The RA was so stern when he described the harsh talking to we’d receive if we made a peep past 11 p.m.”
Jay expressed his disappointment in the first field test’s results. Reports indicate the various ghoulish tones that haunt this kid around the clock weren’t bothered by what they described as “artificial limits devised by mortals.”
“They just kept going like Energizer Bunnies of noise! They ran out of actually scary stuff to say a while ago so now they list off canned soup ingredients. But loudly!” Jay explained.
Marie Freudberg, the psychiatrist who conducted the study, offered her own analysis. “We all have voices inside our heads, and a lot of who we are as individuals hinges on how much we heed those voices. Even if they’re just trying to make us hungry for cheap soup.”
“Enforcement of quiet hours will continue to be played by ear,” said R.A. Toby Jefferson. “However, said enforcement cannot possibly extend to the contents of students’ own minds as that would probably violate the Fourth Amendment and also be kinda 1984-y.”
At press time, Jay seemed resolved to his fate. “Still better than having to listen to that tuba guy practice down the hall after 11:30 pm.”