by Joey Rayburn
USC – A young man whose primary choice of transportation is a unicycle has transfixed campus. Although debate rages on to determine whether or not the man is aware of other forms of transportation, the question of aesthetics is settled: it looks stupid as hell.
Unicycler Adam Dawson is known around campus as “that unicycle riding dipshit.” His transportation choice has perplexed and, in many cases, angered his fellow students.
Senior Laura Reed, upon seeing Dawson cruising down Trousdale, was instantly confused by his vehicular choice. “I spend a great deal of time trying my best to not look like a complete and utter jackass,” Reed said. “But, apparently, I could walk out of my house dressed like an actual clown and still look cooler than that one-wheeled prick.”
Sophomore Steven Nguyen claimed to have seen Dawson, “really struggling to get anywhere,” on his unicycle. “If the point of a vehicle is to get you from point A to point B, why on Earth would you pick one that basically rolls backward as much as it goes forward? It’s inefficient!”
When asked if they thought Dawson was aware of other forms of transportation, they both had distinct theories. “I mean, he has to, right?,” Reed questioned. “He has to see the people on bikes and skateboards passing him! I would take a hoverboard or a pogo stick over a unicycle at this point.”
Nguyen on the other hand, believes Dawson might be experiencing a sort of “vehicle-blindness.” “It’s entirely possible Adam just can’t see anything with more than one wheel. I know it’s an out-of-the-box idea, but it makes more sense than a guy actively deciding to ride a unicycle.”
The world may never get the answers they so desperately crave about Dawson’s psyche, but they can take comfort in the fact that at press time, Dawson took a nasty spill directly into a fountain.