by Chai Karve
BURBANK, CA — Local father Gerald Muller roamed the walkways of IKEA with his collegiate daughter Beth to help her find furniture for her new campus apartment. What would have been a nice father-daughter day was clouded by Muller’s constant knuckle rapping on the display furniture followed by loud proclamations of “It’s solid.”
“I don’t understand what the knocking tells him,” said Beth. “Is it like a manhood thing? He just taps every tabletop with no sense of rhythm. It’s so jarring.”
Muller hoped his knocking would show the other IKEA patrons that he was handy around the house. He claimed that those who were “good with their hands” frequently pat stuff and make bold predictions, so he figured it would do the same.
“We get a lot of guys like him in here,” said IKEA employee Edward Meese. “They just tap the products in random places and think they know what they’re doing. It’s the worst part of this job, other than remembering all these European-ass names.”
“Sure, it’s just a quick hit,” conceded Muller. “But I feel the desk — or bed frame. Or bar stool. I understand what that piece is all about. Then, I let the people know.”
Muller continued shadowing Beth, making sure to let her know what was solid and what was not. At press time, Beth was nowhere to be seen, having fled the IKEA and her family.