by Nolan Jones
LOS ANGELES — After realizing that he was probably past the halfway point of his insignificant life, biology professor Drew Holly decided to spice things up by going to Burning Man. There was only one problem: nobody wanted to go with him. Desperate, Holly made an offer to all of his students in BISC-230 that he was sure they wouldn’t refuse: 10 percent extra credit to any student who would accompany him to the week-long festival in Black Rock City, Nevada.
Holly, a divorced, 42-year-old father of three, reached his decision after trying and failing to get with his favorite waitress at Hooters yesterday. As he cried into a bowl of reheated Kraft macaroni and limp, cold hot dogs later that night, Holly remembered his dream of living like a nomad in the desert, singing, dancing, and smoking in a Bohemian community of wanderers who would never know his real name. Burning Man was the answer to his personal Dark Ages.
“I’m pretty new to all this, so if we have any experienced Burners here, I might even consider throwing in a couple more points of extra credit,” Holly reportedly told his assembled students on the first day of class. “Assuming my ex-wife is okay with watching the kids this weekend, the game plan will go something like this: I wake up at 6 a.m. Saturday, gas up my 350Z, and pick you up around 7. From there, we turn our wheels to the Playa and get ready to have the time of our lives.”
Students were unsure what to make of the offer. “Who even goes to Burning Man? It’s like Coachella for old people!” exclaimed pre-med sophomore Ashley Jamison. “Plus, I’d be missing the second week of class, and I already have so much homework that I honestly want to die.”
After not getting any takers, Holly has reportedly decided to scrap his plans for Burning Man and spend Christmas in Thailand instead.