by Ethan Thomson
LOS ANGELES – USC’s Keck School of Medicine is off to an exciting start as students returned to school to find a huge elephant in the room. Dissecting the elephant will require extreme focus, leading some students to take amphetamines which they acquired from a source not relevant to this at all.
“We all knew about it, but now it’s just out there in the open, so we’re all excited to finally get into it,” claimed Keck student Emily Estrada, definitely referring to the elephant and nothing else.
Initial news of the controversial elephant’s presence came from an LA Times report in mid-July, when nothing else was going on at the med school.
“It is definitely the only notable thing involving the med school to happen recently,” USC President C.L. Max Nikias said, “I know I can’t think of a single other thing worth talking about.”
Although USC tried to downplay the size of the elephant, sources show that the elephant is much bigger than the school originally disclosed. Despite claiming to be surprised by its size there’s speculation that the school was aware of the elephant for a long time.
“I mean, yeah, the elephant in the room is crazy, but not as crazy as the whole thing with the de-” said USC sophomore Charlie Davis before being silenced by a Keck administrator.
Initial plans to dissect the elephant were devised by a former administrator at the Keck School of Medicine, who was described as a totally normal guy of no particular interest.