by Elise Vondra
TROJAN GROUNDS, USC – As she went to pay for her grande soy latte, sophomore Lucy White faced a stone cold reality check. Her USCard was out of funds. Her Apartment meal plan was depleted. Her dreams were about to die.
Not willing to go a day without food only an Instagram model would eat, White turned to the dorms to find a freshman with the Trojan meal plan. With over three thousand dining dollars a semester, there was no way an 18 year old boy could use that much money on food.
“I hung out around New North for a while,” White told reporters. “That’s where all the rich boys live, right?”
She was seen flaunting around the dorm like a peacock, trying to meet a naive, fresh-faced pledge with parents that burn money to stay warm in the winter. Within a week, her strategy paid off. She “casually ran into” Jason Miller, a freshman with low standards for food and women.
“I like the food at EVK, so I’m not using my dining dollars,” Miller stated. “And I’m getting laid! College rules!”
White reportedly texts Miller a shopping list of bourgeois food, receiving a response with the Tapingo confirmation number within 10 minutes. Both parties are happy with the deal. White keeps her aesthetic, and Miller loses his virginity in this modern romance.