by Ethan Thomson
LOS ANGELES, CA — On Tuesday, recently divorced and newly “fun-dad” Rob Cooper attempted to take his kids on an impromptu trip to Cuba, despite it being the middle of a school week. This is one of many recent attempts Cooper has made to cement his new, self-assigned title of “fun-dad” with his kids, who are more frightened than anything else.
Cooper, who recently quit his job as a financial analyst to pursue a more “fun” career in kite surfing, has been wearing the same Tommy Bahama shirt for three weeks now.
“It’s honestly terrifying,” whispered Charlie Cooper, the oldest of three. “I can’t have candy for dinner again. We missed two weeks of school to attend Cuban cockfights and I’m 70% sure he just bought a feral leopard. I don’t know where he got the money but he keeps mentioning a new ‘fast furry friend’.”
According to his children, Cooper acquired a “bitchin” new studio apartment in Culver City. The “Fun Dad Bachelor Pad,” as he insists it be referred to, includes a wall-to-wall Slip n’ Slide, a TV playing Mrs. Doubtfire on loop, and a coffee table littered with cigarette butts and adderall.
“He keeps trying to take us on the ‘Dad-o-Coaster,’” explained Sarah Cooper, Rob’s only daughter, “That’s where he puts us in a shopping cart, ties it to his new Mazda Miata, and drives around the hills.”
When asked for a comment on his recent actions, Mr. Cooper just yelled “L-O-L! Fun dad y’all!” and then proceeded to shoot his children with a paintball gun.
A custody hearing is scheduled for this Monday.