by Matt Hanisch
LOS ANGELES, CA — Eugene Harris has a history of shoving his problems in other people’s faces, but one issue has always stood out from the rest: his peanut allergy. Harris’ latest offense occurred just last Monday when he accidentally ate a peanut butter cookie and then wouldn’t shut up about it.
Much to the dismay of his neighbors, when Harris first noticed a rash developing on his arms and felt an itch in his throat, he immediately turned to those closest to him.
“I can’t believe he brought this peanut thing up again,” vented Harris’ friend Elisa Johnson. “We just ignored him this time because you can’t reward behavior like that.”
Even when Harris’ throat tightened and breathing became difficult, he refused to leave his friends alone.
“We get it, dude. You have ‘a condition’ or whatever,” stated sophomore Brad Chadwick. “Waving your arms and grunting is a little excessive.”
Chadwick explained that after enduring several of Harris’ “episodes,” this was the last straw: “It took a whole team of paramedics and a shot from an EpiPen to get him to finally shut up!”
Once Harris’ throat returned to normal, he quit complaining about his swollen throat and then got really annoying about thanking his friends for “saving his life.”