USC — When Comparative Politics Professor Robert Higgins surprised his class with a pop quiz on Monday, most students quaked in their seats, but not sophomore Francis Martins. Having spent his weekend taking notes on every in-class reading, Martins turned in his quiz while his classmates were still BS’ing the first question.
“Think of how much fun he missed out on to get that A,” exclaimed classmate Bethany Sampson, who bristled at the dork ruining the curve. “While he was memorizing pointless facts alone at a desk, I was creating lasting memories with my friends!”
“I was just following the instructions on the syllabus,” claimed the alleged teacher’s pet, whose most meaningful human interaction lately has been the library staff checking his ID. “I started the readings early so I had time to finish my other assignments without getting all stressed out.”
Professor Higgins was “disappointed” in Martins’s behavior, which he said “does not reflect the typical USC student.”
“Nobody does the readings! I don’t understand him,” he lamented about Martins, who was recently seen studying alone in EVK. “Francis’s in college, for Christ’s sake! He needs to get out and live a little!”
Barely looking up from his English essay which isn’t due for a month, Martins assured his professor that he would “absolutely go live a little” as soon as he went over his French terms one more time, since he only got a 98% on the quiz.