by Kim Rogers
CULVER CITY, CA — After a few too many drinks, Jane Fitzgerald could not take another sip without guilt weighing her down. She confessed to girlfriends at happy hour that just thinking about the dead body in her freezer was “literally killing” her.
“I’m so bad! I, like, straight up murdered that guy with my bare hands. ” Fitzgerald announced to the sympathetic crowd, taking a gulp of her margarita. “Okay, I wore gloves, but still.”
Her drinking buddies were quick to come to Fitzgerald’s defense by reassuring her that her murders don’t define her. They cited her other great qualities.
“You’re hilarious! You told me a joke last week, and I was dead,” laughed Fitzgerald’s coworker Shelby Martin. “Well, not as dead as the guy in your freezer.”
Still, Fitzgerald couldn’t help feeling self-conscious about the rotting man wedged in next to her Lean Cuisines. She reminded her girls how judgey the police were about it last time.
“Shut up! I love your dress by the way,” giggled her friend Maria Martinez. “You are literally slaying right now.”
Fitzgerald took her knife out of the bartenders back to hug Martinez and thanked her friends for their support.