by Cameron Wen
LOS ANGELES, CA — Unremarkable teen Gregory Lutz spends most of his time eating Doritos and playing Call of Duty, but watch out world, that’s about to change. After months of consideration, Lutz has decided to take guitar lessons–mainly because he wants to impress Becky.
“I figured I should get something going for myself,” stated Lutz. “So I started guitar lessons… Do you think Becky will like that?”
We went directly to the source for an answer. In an interview with the “Golden Goddess” herself, Becky confirmed that she liked guys who play guitar and that “it can be pretty sexy.”
Lutz’s mother, Sharon, is really glad to see Greg finally taking an interest in something other than video games: “The guitar could be a great outlet for him. Did he honestly think he was going to impress Becky with a Call of Duty quickscope montage?”
Although Lutz has made impressive progress following his first lesson, teacher Carmichael Perez noted, “All he seems to be interested in is learning is how to play Jason Mraz songs. I mean, he’s got the basics down, but his finger work needs to be much tighter if he wants any chance of getting with Becky. He needs to be shredding if he wants to impress a babe like that.”
Despite his improvement, Lutz is perhaps a bit too eager to show off his skills. He recently brought his guitar to school to show off before Principal Snoll intervened.
“I can’t have him bringing his guitar around school playing it all willy-nilly,” demeaned Snoll. “It was a complete distraction, not to mention it sounded awful. I just can’t have kids playing guitar on my campus at sub-Becky standards. She deserves perfection.”
After an eventful week, Lutz’s efforts may have been all for naught, as Becky most recently released a statement explaining that she “actually likes guys who play piano more. It’s sexier.”