by Lillian Tsao
USC — Student Karen Miller discovered an inspiring way to combat her complete lack of personality by wearing a shirt reading “Can You Not.” The slogan finally gave her the confidence to strut around campus in the way that she was always meant to.
“At first, I tried to establish my own identity and self-worth by taking up hobbies, getting informed on various issues and becoming involved in causes I’m passionate about,” said Miller. “But buying this shirt was way easier.”
Miller now feels justified to talk to other students with her nose in the air, and has invested in numerous other shirts emblazoned with slogans such as “Breaking News: I Don’t Care” and “Nope! Go Away.” Every morning, she selects a shirt to wear based on the levels of teenage angst and empty aggression she wishes to project.
“Some people say these shirts utilize a cynical business scheme to capitalize on self-conscious young women, and those who wear them are reduced to corporate mannequins,” said Miller. “But I say, ‘Nope! Go Away.’”
At press time Miller returned to her dorm to prepare for bed, removing her sassy shirt and dissolving into an indistinguishable, formless mass.