by Emily Halaka
LOS ANGELES, CA – Avowed feminist Duncan Gershwin made waves when he refused to lend his date, Marcia Wexler, his fleece hoodie during last week’s unexpected cold spell.
“I would never demean a woman by allowing her to receive help from the patriarchy,” boasted Gershwin, skewering a piece of pasta with his fork as he and Wexler dined at a local vegan restaurant. “Women are so strong and self-sufficient.”
“It’s great that Duncan supports women so much, or whatever, but this woman is freezing,” hissed Wexler, rubbing her blue hands together. “I get that chivalry is dead, but you know what else is gonna be dead if I don’t get that jacket? Me. We’ll see how empowering he thinks that is.”
Gershwin wiped a bead of sweat off of his forehead and raised his voice over the loud chattering of Wexler’s teeth. “I just want to see her succeed independently of any male influence, you know? That’s all I want for women. Sure, it’s cold outside. You know what’s colder? The chilling reality of female subjugation.”
As Wexler shivered in her dress, bare arms covered in goosebumps, Gershwin gave her a respectful nod indicating equal status and rolled up the sleeves of his jacket to continue eating.