USC — As the recent rain continues to shock and upset Angelenos with its presence, many students have found themselves unprepared. But fall admit Ebenezer Abaidoo acted quickly in the face of precipitation, grabbing the closest spring admit and using him as an umbrella.
“When it started raining, I realized that my white Polo would get slightly damp,” explained the business major. “What else was I supposed to do? There was no other option.”
John Merryweather, the spring admit who bravely shielded Abaidoo from the rainy hellfire, was overwhelmed with joy at the opportunity to help.
“I mean, I was just glad that someone on campus wanted to talk to me,” admitted the newly arrived freshman. “But this isn’t how people here make friends, right? Something about it seems off…”
Since then, even students who were prepared for California drizzles have used Merryweather’s services, such as senior Carl Lockheed: “Yeah, I actually have an umbrella. But I just bought it, you know? I want to save it for a rainy day. Just… not today. This is a good alternative.”
Merryweather’s constant whimpering suggested he wasn’t too happy in his newfound role, but it was difficult to tell whether there were tears on his face or just raindrops.
“I always knew there had to be some reason the school wanted them here,” continued Abaidoo. “If they weren’t meant to make my day better, then the school would’ve given them a proper welcome week.”
At press time Merryweather drowned after being used again by Abaidoo, this time to cover a puddle so that his girlfriend could walk over it without getting her Sperrys wet.