Veggie Platter at Super Bowl Party Left Untouched

by Jack Hackett and Kim Rogers

LOS ANGELES, CA — When Jerry Moskowitz walked into the joint, he used to bring the party. This time, he brought the vegetable platter, which was left untouched for the entirety of the Bennett family annual Super Bowl Bash.

Moskowitz watched with anxiety from across the room as hours ticked by, but carrots, celery and ranch all remained tight inside their cellophane wrapping. Meanwhile, the sports fans made a show of scooping up seven layer dip and blanketed weenies.

“I don’t know who brought the rabbit food to game day, but whoever it is, needs to get it the heck out of here. ASAP,” announced Moskowitz’s long-time friend Cindy Bennett. “Aren’t these things supposed to come in cans?”

This is the third time Moskowitz has “totally blown it” in recent years. Fourth of July led to the  gluten-free pretzels incident while partygoers still have nightmares about the Christmas Oreo Thins fiasco. As a result, his spot on the party invite list has become shaky.

As the game came to a close, the ignored veggie platter continued to take up valuable coffee table space, that could’ve been used to fit another bag of Doritos or Chris’ famous homemade hot wings.

Jack Hackett

He is your run of the mill bad boy. He hangs out by the dumpsters during recess sucking down cigarettes. He is complex by nature, but is simply looking for love.