by Cameron Wen
PASADENA, CA – The neighborhood’s ears rang as local dad Randy Walden raced his newly restored 1968 midlife crisis out of the Prado St. cul-de-sac this afternoon. The purchase of the midlife crisis almost directly follows Walden’s fiftieth birthday.
Neighbors have not taken kindly to the sudden change in Walden’s lifestyle. One neighbor, Lorraine Newton, commented, “I thought we were going to finally have some peace and quiet after our other neighbor Louis crashed his cherry red midlife crisis, but so much for that.”
9-year-old resident, Jack West, was one of the few who witnessed the incident first hand. Jack recalled playing basketball in the front yard when he heard Walden shout, “Hey, kid, check this out,” before roaring off and leaving behind a trail of smoke.
The afternoon’s events left some locals in shock.
“It all happened so fast,” homeowner Carey Wang explains while clutching a cup of coffee. “I looked out of the window and was blinded by a bright glare. At first I thought it was the headlights, but then I realized it was the shine off of Randy’s receded hairline.”
Walden still remains at large, but in a statement Walden’s wife, Teresa, added, “He said he was headed to the tattoo parlor…again. This is like his third time in the past month.”
Today, the entire neighborhood lies in wait to see what poor decision Walden will make next, further dragging his family into shame and financial ruin.