by Ryan Zubery
NEW NORTH — On Tuesday morning, freshman Dan Carlisle blinked his eyes open to see his roommate sleeping on his back with his blanket rising up sharply over his groin as if to salute the sunrise in unison with Carlisle’s own member.
Immediately, Carlisle averted eye contact with his roommate’s unexpected guest, but still felt uneasy. “I could just feel it staring back at me,” Carlisle whimpered. “I just wanted it to leave so I could go on with my day,” he continued, distressed.
Hoping that it had withered away, Carlisle glanced back at his roommate only to see that his morning wood had grown even more prominent, threatening to pop out of his briefs and rear its ugly head like the chest-burster from Alien.
“I didn’t mean to, but before I even knew what happened, I had sized it up,” said a tearful Carlisle. “I’m trying and trying, but the image just won’t leave my head.”
A very pale Carlisle was last seen walking over to Engemann’s counseling center, muttering something about a “strong fear of tents.”