by Ryan Zubery
NEW YORK, NY — In an address given from his gold-plated Manhattan penthouse, best described as a symptom of America’s terminal capitalism, Donald J. Trump announced his family’s selection for the new Presidential Pet: an infertile white tiger named Maserati.
“Oh, Maserati is great, real great, you’re all gonna love him, believe me, he’s gonna bring so much class — you know we found him in India, we’re building a beautiful, luxurious golden tower in Mumbai, just beautiful; fantastic people there, a bit sneaky with the currency and outsourcing — look, it’s tremendous, believe me, everyone thinks this is a really tremendous thing, all five of my children — Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, Baron, and the other one — they all agree this is a very tremendous decision, so so tremendous.”
Some criticized the president for choosing an endangered species as the first pet, but more worried that it’d make it hard for middle-class Americans to relate to the billionaire, Ivy-league educated Trumps.
Mr. Trump soon fired back on Twitter: “I’m living the American dream. That makes me relatable. EVERY American dreams of owning a white tiger with a diamond studded collar. True!”
He later assured his followers that his inauguration would be accessible to middle America, tweeting, “Look for Maserati on Inauguration Day by the Fortune 500 people MANY OF THEM WHARTON GRADS. It’s gonna be a big league production. Have fun!”
Soon after the announcement, Trump assigned ten secret servicemen in Washington to take care of the white tiger, whose infertility only makes him more prone to anger. However, unsubstantiated evidence shows that three of the caretakers may have been mauled to death on the very first day.
At presstime, a team of highly trained Navy SEALs has been deployed to the White House following reports that Maserati broke out of his enclosure and has begun stalking about the premises.