by Kim Rogers
TOPEKA, KS — During weekly family dinner, local grandmother Debbie Schauer gave her kids and grandchildren a long-winded speech condemning their reliance on technology. Carting around her oxygen tank, Schauer really skewered modern convenience.
“You kids couldn’t last a day without those damn texting machines!” announced the woman whose entire existence is literally tied to a hunk of metal.
This isn’t the first time Schauer, whose spirit could be wiped from this earth with the turn of a dial, has taken up arms against cell phones and other “newfangled” devices. Her teenage grandson Toby Hurst remembers similar outbursts throughout the years.
“She caught me snapchatting in church once. I got an earful for that,” recalls Hurst, breathing unassisted through his own two nostrils.
After adding a pacemaker to her list of bionic parts, Schauer has renewed energy to remind her offspring how much better life was before the internet. She collected phones in a plastic bag, forcing everyone to ‘unplug,’ while electricity pulsed life back into her limp, failing heart.
“Between the aluminum hip and the electric ticker I’m surprised that cyborg still makes it through airport security,” noted family physician Dr. Howard Swan. “I’m sure she’s due for an oil change.”
Overwhelmed with disappointment in today’s youth, Schauer excused herself from the dining room, hopped in her chair lift and glided upstairs.