by Jack Hackett
USC — On Monday The Dornsife College of Arts, Letters, and Sciences, graciously welcomed the incoming 2017 Spring Admits with a pile of loose flyers and an open bag of oreos haphazardly presented on some foldout table found in the back of the storage closet.
“These Oreos are stale. Someone must’ve forgotten to close up the bag. They go stale if you don’t close the bag,” explained Spring Admit George Canterbury.
At first students thought the lackluster event was due to forgetfulness and general incompetence, but in reality it was the opposite. Dean of Admissions Timothy Drunold explained.
“We always forget about the Spring Admits coming in the spring. We were not going to forget this year, so we set up the orientation table a month or so in advance.”
“The whole table’s wet. Why is the whole table sopping wet?” exclaimed incoming freshman Doris Wittles. “It’s like it’s been left out in the rain for weeks. All the ink on the flyers bled together. I can’t read any of them!”
The solemn group of Spring Admits bonded over their collegiate false start and started leaving in newly created friend groups. However, the event officially ended when the rusted out folding table collapsed after a slight gust of wind blew through the courtyard.