PASADENA, CA — This holiday season marked a historic evening for the Smith family as they spent Christmas dinner in near silence due to college-aged daughter Jessica Smith bringing home her girlfriend Alex Bronson for the holidays. The only sounds that remained were the clinking of silverware against plates as the family enjoyed their meal.
“I’ve never heard them so quiet,” said Jessica. “Usually there’s a lot more arguing, off-key singing, and drunken rambling. But as soon as Alex and I walked through the door, nothing but knives and forks.”
Jessica told her family the week before that she was bringing a “special someone” named Alex, whom the family had assumed would be the boyfriend they had always prayed Jessica would have.
“I just thought they always knew.” said Jessica, a gender studies major and lifelong softball player. “But I guess I should have prepared them more.”
Jessica’s father, Richard Smith, commented on the shocking revelation.
“I don’t have a problem with it. I’ve just never met one in real life!” said Richard, referring to lesbians in general. “What do they like? Football or ice skating? Flannels or girly stuff? Is she an Ellen DeGeneres or a Portia DeRossi? I don’t want to say the wrong thing!”
He remained silent out of anxiety.
Jessica admitted that the silence was somewhat refreshing. “It was kind of nice to just eat without anyone making awkward small talk or accidentally insulting each other. Grandma didn’t even say anything about my haircut making me look like a boy.”
Other family members later expressed that they had had concerns that Grandma Smith had finally keeled over out of shock, but were afraid to do anything out of fear that they would make their mysterious new guest uncomfortable.
“We were fully prepared to go all ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ on that,” claimed Billy Smith, 14. “Turns out she was only napping, but the sunglasses looked pretty bitchin’ anyway.”
Jessica ultimately said that she was uncomfortable but not offended by her family’s lack of conversation. “Mostly I’m just impressed that my little brother refrained from making any jokes about ‘donning our gay apparel.’ Go, Billy!”
The family plans to reconvene on Easter, when Uncle Tim plans to bring his “partner” and Grandma Smith plans to drink an entire bottle of wine.