by Mimi Evans
USC — Michelle Russo was perusing the salad bar at Parkside Café with friend Chris Garcia when Garcia suddenly committed an act of public indecency. Without warning, Garcia placed his plate under the Heinz Ketchup pump and squirted a heavy helping onto his cheese pizza, promptly destroying all faith in humanity.
Staff member Nancy Dawes burst into tears after witnessing the reprehensible stunt. “I work at the dining hall so I thought I’d seen everything. But ketchup on pizza? With one pump, he annihilated centuries of culinary progress.”
Russo tried to understand why Garcia would commit such a heinous crime. “As an Italian, I was deeply offended by this carbohydrate travesty. You want to know what happened last time we tried to innovate? Calzones happened.”
Garcia, however, was unapologetic: “Ketchup makes everything at the dining hall better: hash browns, stir-fry, those weird berry dessert squares that no one ever eats.” Garcia’s voice rose as he spoke, drawing half of the dining hall’s attention to his hateful act. Ignoring their disgust, Garcia happily devoured his square of desecrated pizza.
Multiple students fainted after witnessing just seconds of Garcia masticating in public. Across the dining hall, an unattended waffle maker caught fire. As the fire alarm sounded and students rushed out of the building, Garcia continued to eat. He was content to watch the world burn because he knew nothing made burnt things palatable quite like ketchup.