by Chai Karve
USC — From noon to 2 p.m. every Wednesday and Friday afternoon, professor Todd Burgos sits patiently in his office. He waits, hopes, and dreams for the day that the cool kids from his Advertising Fundamentals class will show up and give his life purpose.
“It’s all about the students,” explained Burgos, “but especially the cool ones. I owe it to them to reach out and bridge the cool gap.”
Burgos has taken significant steps in an effort to be as “lit” as possible. He regularly cancels discussion sections, plays vaguely relevant clips from popular films and television shows throughout lecture, and constantly gives out extra credit. Burgos also urges the sea of baseball caps and open laptops in the back of the lecture hall to come to office hours.
“Sure, he’s nice and all,” conceded Cabo-bound Junior Madison Cooper, “but why would I speak to him outside of class? I’m busy every second of every day.”
Despite his explicit efforts to connect with the dope fun-starters in his class, Burgos finds himself spending four hours a week alone in his miniscule tract of cubicle space ready to talk about the newest rap music or rad weekend hook-ups on the row.
However, one of Burgos’ students, Chet Barker, is a well-known “eager beaver”. Barker consistently shows up to Burgos’ office hours with an armload of supplementary reading, in-depth questions, and a mind blowingly positive attitude towards learning.
“Oh golly gee!” barked Barker. “How crazy is it that we are in these hallowed halls of academic excellence? I can hardly contain myself.”
Burgos is well aware of Barker’s existence but would rather not see him because he’s “kind of a blowhard” and a “royal pain in the ass”. Every time Barker shows up to office hours, Burgos seems to have a rogue dentist appointment or curriculum meeting.
Burgos would like to once again urge the cool kids to come to office hours, and if they need him, he is “off to smoke a J behind the 7-11”.