“I Can Fix You” Whispers Man to Bleeding Out Hot Pocket

by Jack Hackett

LOS ANGELES, CA — Junior Thomas Maxwell made himself a Hot Pocket Tuesday night. Upon removal from the microwave, however, the guts of his Pepperoni Pizza pocket spilled all over the plate.

“I can fix you,” whispered Maxwell as he tried to push the cheesy marinara back inside. “Why does this always happen?”

Maxwell reported that he watched his last four Hot Pockets bleed out right in front of him, an image that keeps him up at night.

“I’ve lost a lot of good pockets in this kitchen, and the worst part is there’s nothing I can do to help,” cried Maxwell. “I’ve tried different microwave settings, sleeve and no sleeve. Nothing works. Their innards always burst out the sides. I feel so helpless.”

Maxwell claims he’ll never forget the fallen Four Cheese Pizza and Philly Steak pockets whose insides laid splattered all over the platter. At presstime, Maxwell picked out a fresh box of Hickory Ham & Cheese pockets he hoped would make it through the two minutes on high.

*Editor’s Note* No, this is not an advertisement, but God, do I love me some Hot Pockets.

Jack Hackett

He is your run of the mill bad boy. He hangs out by the dumpsters during recess sucking down cigarettes. He is complex by nature, but is simply looking for love.