Shy Girl Breaks Out of Shell, Reveals She’s a Mutant Lizard

by Mimi Evans

USC — It was early Friday morning when the students in Introduction to Ecology noticed something amiss. When Professor Nafisi cold-called on shy sophomore Elizabeth Ann, everyone expected a nervous response. What they didn’t expect was for Ann to start molting.

“I just thought she had a lisp or something. I didn’t think she was a mutant lizard,” commented Ann’s lab partner, Connor Meroni.

Sources verified that Ann is actually a giant reptile that has been masquerading as a human for the past few years.

“People think I’m sssocialy awkward, but I’m actually an entirely different species,” apologized Ann, “I always hold my S’sss a bit too long. That’s why I rarely ssspeak. It makes people suspiciousss.”

Professor Nafisi blamed herself for not noticing the signs earlier: “Lab rats kept disappearing, and I always found piles of matted fur on the ground after this period. I just always assumed we had some kids who just ran out of dining dollars.”

Ann says it’s been relatively easy to blend in at USC, but she’s had some close calls, though.

“Random men are always telling me to smile, which is problematic,” Ann said, baring her sharp, reptilian incisors.

Despite her differences, Ann has been able to find support on campus: “You’d be surprised how many students are cold-blooded under their nice, polite exterior.”

Mimi Evans

Mimi believes the ranking of the breakfast-food trinity is 1. French Toast 2. Waffles 3. Pancakes. She is 50% Chinese and 100% done with you asking her about it.