Man Sadly Eats Entire ‘Brownie Explosion’ For Three By Himself

by Jack Hackett

LOS ANGELES, CA — In Waterson’s Ice Cream Shoppe, local man Jake Hermann ordered the ‘Brownie Explosion’, which according to the menus is a trough layered with brownies on the bottom with three scoops of ice cream on top. Although typically meant to be split between three people, Hermann insisted to eat the whole thing himself.

“When he ordered it,” said cashier Pauline Woods. “I was like, ‘are you sure you want this? It’s a platter for three.’ All he said was ‘I can do it’ and then handed me a twenty. Then he sat alone at the bar facing the wall until he finished it.”

“In all my years, I’ve never seen someone finish a Brownie Explosion by themselves, let alone with such dreadful determination,” claimed the shop’s owner, Bert Waterson. “I’ve seen men three times his size fail to complete it, but he plowed through it like it was single scoop on a sugar cone.”

Recognizing the nearly impossible feat he’s taken on, bystanders in line offered to help him eat it, but he just shook his head at them.

“Every spoonful was agonizing to watch,” said bystander Anna Lars. “He would scoop up some ice cream, look at it, sigh, and then eat it. It was as if someone was forcing him to do this.”

“That was easily two or three thousand calories,” said health nut Jamey Warren. “That’s a whole day’s worth of calories, and he downed all of it in less than fifteen minutes. I don’t know if I should be shocked or inspired.”

At press time, Hermann was seen using his forefinger to pick up brownie bits he missed. He then allegedly stared at the empty tray for a few minutes, probably realizing the huge mistake he just made.

Jack Hackett

He is your run of the mill bad boy. He hangs out by the dumpsters during recess sucking down cigarettes. He is complex by nature, but is simply looking for love.