“I’m So Poor” Complains Girl Who Just Spent $6 on a Sprinkles Cupcake

by Mimi Evans

USC — Sophomore Rayleigh Magda stood outside the Bookstore Monday evening with her friend, Amy Green. Magda had just purchased a cupcake from the Sprinkles Cupcake ATM outside of the Bookstore.

“I’m so poor,” Magda complained, taking a big bite of red velvet. “I’ve had to learn to only spend money on necessities, like k-cups, rosé, and Coachella VIP passes.”

Magda was quick to brag about her ‘upscale homeless’ aesthetic: “I make sacrifices. I only shop at Urban Outfitters when they have free shipping for orders over $50. Besides, this cupcake doubles as a delightful amuse-bouche.”

Magda pulled out her iPhone from her Chloë bag to show Green her measly four-digit bank-account balance: “Did you know it can take 3-5 business days for a check to clear? By the end of the month, I have to survive on my unlimited meal plan and the eighty dollars I found at the bottom of my purse.”

Green did not bother to respond, as she was mentally preparing for her third night in a row eating spaghetti and beans for dinner.