by Lillian Tsao
LOS ANGELES, CA—For decades, the sorority has been a haven for attractive blonde females, but distinguishing each one out of the swarm was a difficult, if not impossible task. This week, the sorority leadership of USC introduced an effective solution—branding each sister with a personalized barcode.
The solution was met with widespread praise from the sorority community, with masses of identical sisters eagerly lining up to accept the sizzling iron brand, which would finally give them some semblance of distinctiveness.
“It was just, like, so hard sometimes,” sniffed Alpha Delta Pi member Bianca White. “I’d be talking to my girl Cynthia, and I’d turn away for a second, and when I looked back I’m like, where’d she go? Everyone looks like Cynthia!”
White was then forced to wander the sorority house for hours in search of her friend, calling each of her sisters “Cynthia” and running into five identical girls of the same name.
“I’m just so glad that I’ll never again spend an hour with one of my sisters, only to realize that I’ve just been talking to a mirror the whole time,” said White.
The response from the rest of the USC community has also been positive. Campus security personnel were particularly enthusiastic because the inability to tell the attractive blondes apart led to safety breaches in the past.
“Last Saturday, at 10 p.m.,” reported Officer Claudia Alvarez, “Alpha Kappa Alpha member Ashley Smith let her sisters Britney, Chelsea and Jenny into the sorority house for a party. At 11 p.m. the three sisters removed guns from their bras and demanded money from everyone in the vicinity. Turns out they were just three men in Taylor Swift masks, and nobody noticed.”
When asked whether being branded like cattle was degrading at all, the sorority sisters said “no” and that it was actually the “least demeaning part of the hazing process.”