by Ryan Zubery
NEW YORK — After just purchasing his brand new iPhone 7, Clark Samson absentmindedly tried plugging in his headphones only for the jack to slip against the phone’s bottom. At first, Samson just assumed he’d missed the audio port and tried plugging his headphones again to no avail.
Samson’s expression turned desperate. His breathing grew frantic as he tried to plug it in again and again.
“This must be a mistake,” Samson muttered to himself while a line of spit dribbled down his chin.
Samson let out a bloodcurdling shriek and repeatedly stabbed the bottom left corner of his new phone. He put his entire body weight behind each blow until the aluminum body gave way, producing a new hole where the audio port used to be in older models.
Samson cleaned himself up and said, “This must’ve been a factory error. Apple wouldn’t forget to put in a headphone jack, right?”
At presstime, Samson found the included set of wireless AirPods, which to him looked like earbuds with no cords. He deemed them another factory error and promptly threw them in the trash.