by Kim Rogers
SAN DIEGO — Southern California native, Dan Willerd, was shocked this weekend to find his clothes, X-box, and treasured collection of Pirates of the Caribbean movies strewn across his front lawn. Nailed to the door, an empty carton of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food dripped sticky droplets onto a note that read: “I know what you did! We’re through, jerk!”
Collecting his belongings, Willerd sighed forlornly at his own mistakes: “It was stupid, I know. But it’s just hard to be satisfied eating greens and lean meats day after day. Then I get this beautiful, chocolate deliciousness making eyes at me from the office freezer. What’s a guy supposed to do?”
Willerd has checked into a nearby motel while his diet cools down. However, the likelihood of the diet taking him back after the cheating seems slim.
“Can you believe that pig? I was suspicious when he came back from ‘boys’ night’ with loose cookie crumbs on his shirt, and a Dairy Queen receipt in his back pocket, but this was the icing on the cake!” the diet reported in a flurry of tears.
A close friend of Willerd’s, Jake Tushkin, was unsurprised by the incident: “Dan’s been on and off with that diet for years. He’s always saying ‘this time it’s gonna work.’ I’ve told him before, he needs to think long-term relationship goals. Frankly, they’re never gonna work out without a steady exercise regimen.”
Willerd’s dishonesty follows an upward trend of American men and women cheating on their diets, or even giving up on healthy eating altogether. According to the National Bureau of Health and Emotional Wellness, today nearly 50% of diet and exercise plans end in an empty Pringles tube and Judge Judy reruns.
In a last-ditch effort to win the diet back, Willerd appeared on his own doorstep with a juice cleanse and a boombox, belting along to a slightly altered version of Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes,” entitled “No More Pies.”