by Alan Smithee
HARRISON, AR — With the number of white supremacists declining in the United States, the Klu Klux Klan has rolled out a diversity program in an effort to increase membership. Chester Yokum, the newly elected Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan, felt “the time was right to introduce some bold strategic initiatives to a languishing organization.”
Recently hired head of Diversity Outreach, Stacey Dash, is optimistic that the KKK’s message of hatred will resonate with minority communities.
“There’s huge growth opportunities outside of white people hating Jews and blacks,” said Dash. “The Japanese hate the Chinese, the Chinese hate the Indians, the Indians hate the Pakistanis and everybody hates the Koreans. That’s 3 billion people right there. That’s a lot of hate, which is exactly what this organization needs.”
Grand Wizard Yokum made a point of noting that this was not an easy decision: “Even with the advent of Fox News and Donald Trump, we saw the writing on the wall. The dwindling number of white men on university campuses, boardrooms and the NBA left us no choice but to change direction.”
Not everybody agreed with the change in strategy, Jebediah Rangle angrily made his case to anyone that would listen: “Just because you slept with a black dude doesn’t mean you’re not racist… or gay.”
While others like Bedford Smith sadly accepted the changes to his beloved organization they nonetheless promised to support the organization wholeheartedly: “I’m excited about bonding with my colored brother and sisters and weaving a multicultural quilt of hatred and intolerance!”