by Rob Smat
photo by Mike Doeff
USC PHYSICS — It’s not every day you discredit 500 years of scientific law with one discovery. But Larry Wong, with a little help from SCpirit, has done just that.
Did he need a particle collider? Did he need a room full of researchers and a quantum computer? Not in the slightest. He simply attended a USC Basketball game and watched the halftime show, put on by the famous Song Girls.
“It was a total accident,” admitted Wong, “I was totally just watching for the sports related sex appeal, but then I accidentally started thinking with my brain and right in front of me was a form of motion I had never believed to be possible. It was something I had never been close enough to see at football games: the Song Girls’ hips were blatantly defying the laws of physics…all the way back to Newton.”
Wong’s findings, which were published this week in the Annual Review of Sexy Science Shit, found that the velocity at which the girls’ hips gyrated was so extreme that Einstein’s Theory of Relativity dictated a 2000% increase in mass, but none of the Song Girls looked an ounce over their usual 10kg.
Upon closer examination, and after a number of laboratory tests, the Song Girls’ hips gained no mass whatsoever, even at these near-lightspeed limits. Moreover, their pelvises actually rotated in 361 degree circles, previously thought to be impossible in this dimension, and in total violation of basic radial acceleration.
Wong admitted, “It’s good that men haven’t been trained in the modern Song Girl dances, otherwise they would run serious risk of castrating themselves.”
The scientific community was all too ready to disprove these findings, akin to last year’s debunked neutrino paradox, but no such efforts have proved worthwhile. Physicists and biologists alike are baffled by the pure force of nature located at a Song Girl’s midsection:
“We even found that the hip motion doesn’t pass through a 0 m/s threshold! One moment, the hips are moving in the positive x direction, then without any change in acceleration they are moving in the negative x direction. Somebody throw Principia Mathematica out the window!”
At press time, no one in the physics department was strong enough to lift Newton’s seminal work, much less defenestrate the entire manuscript.