by Rob Smat
LEGEND PRODUCTIONS – Every studio has had its Achilles heel. For Orion Pictures, it was UHF. For United Artists, it was Heaven’s Gate. For Achilles, it was his heel. And now it seems Legend Productions will be toppled by Superfoods: The Movie.
Assistant to the CEO, Graham Tubbles, noted that the idea was born when Execs wanted to target healthy eaters in the United States. “Why Market Research thought this niche existed in any measurable quantity is beyond me,” noted Tubbles, “but the combination of a niche audience with the aspect of a superhero movie is any exec’s dream.”
“The movie was green lit right there in the Beverly Hills Tender Greens.”
The nationwide release of Superfoods, Legend Productions’ tentpole and hopeful cash cow, has been anything but in the three weeks since its release.
The film starred A-level talent, including but not limited to: George Clooney as The Blue Berry, Anne Hathaway as Commander Kale, Kevin Hart as Overlord Oats, and the villain of the film, Saturated Fat Fred played by Adam Driver.
In spite of these globally recognized moneymakers, Superfoods has only grossed $100,000 in the United States, and even less abroad. As a result, Superfoods may be the biggest superhero movie failure of all time, considering its production budget was over $150 million.
“I’m flummoxed as to where we went wrong in this process,” grumbled Legend CEO LeJean ‘Wait for It’ Derry. “We had SUPER in the name of our film, and you’re telling me it didn’t break every box office record? I wouldn’t have believed that in a million years.”
In the coming weeks, Derry will have to make some tough decisions regarding layoffs. Current estimates say that losses are so severe that he will either have to eliminate the salaries of his whole staff, or fire himself instead, which would result in an equivalent decrease in company expenditures. It is likely he will choose the former.
Fox has generously purchased the rights to Superfoods 2: Juice Cleanse for pennies on the dollar. When questioned about this generosity, Fox Execs calmly outlined a plan to wait five years for the public to forget the franchise, then reissue each character its own standalone film, then build a cinematic universe to mine from.
Marvel has since announced their plans to spawn a Food Pyramid franchise, that reportedly has “unfortunate similarities, but no direct cross-over” from the now Fox-owned property.