by Amanda Suarez
I just read this article about how the police are stumped by a mysterious body that workers found in a recently vacated LA apartment. But, to me, the answer is simple.
Ya see, the handymen were putzing around the building and happened upon a dead body in the refrigerator instead of the leftover pizza they were hoping the tenants had left behind. It’s so sad when you’re hoping for Domino’s supreme with extra cheese and instead you get human remains.
Surprisingly, the fridge was still cleaner than mine. In fact, nobody even noticed that there was a decomposing body in the building for who knows how long.
The fridge company, Rigidaire, has turned this morbid publicity into a killer ad campaign. “Buy our newest model” their new slogan reads, “It’ll keep a dead body preserved up to 6 days!” Come to think of it, maybe I should invest in one of these–I can’t keep an avocado good to save my life.
Now, because there was no forced entry and no signs of trauma to the body, the Po Po are scratching their heads. They’re doing the typical “It’s kind-of-maybe-homicide-ish” thing. Not putting a label on things. I get that. Every time I try to reach out to my boyfriend Steve, he screams that just because we stood at the same bus stop once doesn’t mean we’re dating.
He’s such a character.
But, because there is no obvious cause of death and the guy was alone, there is only ONE POSSIBLE explanation. This guy was clearly just trying to answer the age old question of what happens when you close the refrigerator door.
I mean, does the light turn off, or does it stay on?!
I tried something similar with my fridge, but I couldn’t push the leftover Mexican food far back enough to fit. That, and I would have gotten stuck in that orange juice spill from Labor Day. Sadly, though, this mystery man took one for the team. The light goes out.