by Soraya Simi
MUNDANE, IL, October 31–It’s Halloween, a time for dads to gather around the lawn and celebrate the growing influx of pun costumes and competing for the most groan-inducing joke.
“Halloween has nothing to do with being scary any more,” homeowner Larry Gerry said, “There’s a market out there for being an obnoxious pain in the ass, and I couldn’t be happier.” Larry, proudly wearing his shirt with ‘LIFE’ written on it, continued to pass out lemons instead of candy.
“That’s the oldest one in the book,” one dad in a cow suit grumbled from the floor. When asked what he was supposed to be, he muttered, “Ground beef. I aim for originality.”
Five Donald Trump costumes later, one dad showed up wearing his wife’s nightgown with a photo of Freud on it. “Freudian slip,” he chortled, “and my wife over there is a spice rack.” He grinned at his wife wearing a bra overflowing with garlic and oregano.
One dad arrived directly after his shift as a construction worker. When asked what his costume was, he slurped his Coors Lite and said he’s “still working on it.”
As the night went on, we asked the dads whether or not they were worried about a recent kidnapping in the area. Local dad Cliff Turner responded, “Kidnapping? Just go wake the damn kid up!” This resulted in a ten minute exchange of high fives.
The winner of the night went to the dad holding a paper and plastic bag who just kept repeating “I’m bisacktual” all night, which cued every dad to turn their heads in unison and say, “Hi bisacktual, I’m dad.”