Unidentified Object Mistaken for Rifle on USC Campus

By Ross Palmer

The news got around fast — a number of concerned USC students reported what appeared to be a rifle in the hands of an unknown man wandering around campus the other day. Terrified, the students and faculty phoned campus security and notified the police in droves.

Over a dozen squad cars arrived on the scene, only to discover that the mysterious, gun-like object wasn’t actually a firearm. In fact, it took a lone Dutch foreign exchange student to finally recognize the object as an “umbrella”, saying “oh yeah, I’ve seen that before for sure. It’s not a gun, obviously…”

Officer Steve Perez: “In LA, nine times out of ten, when someone tells you there’s a gun, they’re right. We’ve certainly seen our fair share of weapons in this town, but in 22 years on the LAPD force, I’ve never seen an object like this before.”

The apparently unarmed man claimed that the device in his hands was an “umbrella,” which is, evidently, something used to protect one’s self against “rain.” This is the first reported sighting of an umbrella at USC, and the entire student body seems to be baffled as to what this non-gun could be.

Our reporters went to frat row to ask students what they thought of the strange item. Dozens and dozens of students looked at a picture of the object, unable to identify it. Some thought it was an ancient drinking game tool from Mesopotamia, others thought it might somehow be related to football. But beyond suggestions of sports and booze, it was clear that no USC student had any idea what this thing really was.

One sorority chair believed umbrella to have just been a word “made up a long time ago by Rihanna.” The head of a local gaming club just thought it was “that one corporation from Resident Evil.”

Professors say that this event has revealed a sizable gap in the knowledge of USC students. Since most USC students have never seen rain before (a rare natural phenomenon in which water evidently pours down from heaven for an extended period of time), the concept remains completely foreign to them. New “rain awareness” programs have been set up to educate students about water from the sky, how to avoid it, and how it doesn’t necessarily mean the world is coming to an end.

While we know guns to be safe, friendly, and an integral part of life in Los Angeles, we’re learning more about this new sky water day by day. Experts say that we should remain indoors for the next few months, let God calm down for a while, and always remain highly cautious of LA’s third deadliest threat after earthquakes and those two-wheeled LED scooter thingies.

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