7 Ways to Lose Weight Fast! Holy Cow!

by Rob Smat

1) Go for a morning jog.


A morning jog isn’t just a wake-me-up, it’s a message to your system to outperform Colleen, that stupid coordinator from your neighboring cubicle. Your metabolism will be at it’s highest level throughout the day.


2) Stick to a breakfast high in fiber.


Fiber will help you move the more difficult foods through your system, foods that stress you out and make you fat, like Colleen. Don’t let these foods get to you; they only want to get inside your head and affect you on the day of your performance review.


3) Bicycle to work.


Now, you will be active and you’ll save on gas money. You’re giving your planet one big hug, but not Colleen, because hugging her would be like wrestling a sack of potatoes. And you have to get to the office on time for that performance review with the boss anyways, so pedal fast.


4) Sweat and become dehydrated during your morning meeting.


What a day so far! Time to lose even more weight by sweating and dehydrating yourself for the first hour you’re at work. Between a jog, some diarrhea, and a high-speed bike ride through the inner city, your day has gotten off to a busy start and your body odor is making Colleen wish she had chosen not to sit next to you this morning. That’s the last time she copies your presentation right before you give it!


5) Become woozy and continue to deny yourself solids and liquids.

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This day just will not end! And by this day, we mean this morning meeting. Two hours! Who would’ve thought Colleen would have so much to say about labor day consumer trends? Keep refusing yourself sustenance; you’ll be able to feel the fat just burning away. By the time of your performance review, you’ll look like the Thor!


6) Vomit profusely and pass out during your performance review.


Well, you did even better than expected, kid. Colleen lost the battle and the war. You even managed to kill some tonnage during the performance review. That’s righteous! You haven’t eaten or drank anything since 6am, and you’ve shed every calorie your body could muster.


7) Lie face flat on your boss’s floor until paramedics can take you away to the hospital.


It’s good you took the bike today! Now you won’t have to return to your workplace for your car, or at all really, because you’re fired. And they’re going to inject 10 lbs. of insulin to rebuild your weakened musculoskeletal system. And Colleen got promoted to Executive Coordinator to cover for your absence. Nice.